May 24, 2005 | TV sucks

There was a blog I happened across on BlogExplosion that was titled “TV sucks” which was apparently closed by its author because of the amount of hatred and antagonism that had been directed towards it concerning whatever material he had chosen to write about. Well let the legacy continue, because truly there is no more accurate generalisation than saying that TV sucks. Sure, some of the 50-to-200 channels you can chose from usually come with a few, decent-if-not-classified-as-for-nerds programming stations that might be worth the hour or two devoted to viewing it. The problem with the majority of TV is that if offers nothing more than pure, unadulterated, time-wasting entertainment. The only plus side that I can ever conjur up about watching TV is that it gives the viewer the sensation of having watched something utterly enjoyable, thus providing some level of karma that fades away after a brief length of time.

Reality TV, the buzz of the moment from anywhere in Bombay to Boston, irks me the most. Besides the fact that it is tied into the “series” aspect of TV (Find out about what happens to Marvin in the next show, airing on Tuesdays at 9pm eastern!) which I utterly detest because I almost always cannot dedicate a framework of time each week devoted entirely to watching TV (and what’s the use of watching a series if you miss out on a episode? Downloading an episode is too tedious), reality TV is just a fancy name for a zoo on tape.

A zoo is where humans pay money to some greedy gatekeeper to go see animals that they are otherwise too lazy to go out and see for themselves, or just are too afraid that doing so will involve an absurd and obscene level of danger. They inherently suppose that the gatekeeper and his cohorts are keeping the animals in a perfectly acceptable habitat, misinterpeting the fact that the nearest elephant is not putting his trunk high up in the air just because he is waving hello to you, but because he is utterly miserable being looked at by some tourist with a flashing device that Japanese people so adore.

Reality TV is not dissimilar. It’s a program where people sit down in front of their faithful telly (unsurprisingly fabricated by those who make the flashing devices previously mentioned), pull out a bowlful of popcorn, and laugh and point at equally silly people acting out what would be the life of a perfectly insane person. There are other varieties too, like those that involve young talents that have everyone jealous about, those who adorn the next issue of the TV listings magazine sold for 30 cents at the checkout counter of your supermarket. Others involve flying a few idiots to some distant island to re-enact The Lord of the Flies and to see who can, surprisingly, outwit his comrades in a combination of shrewd deception and cunningness. The more surprising thing is that those very actors can actually become popular by those who think they can somehow relate to him/her or just because that person is, like, realllly, like oh so drop dead gorgeous. Like, really.

Going down the ladder of idiocy (lower being greater, if you know what I mean) there are finally those shows that purposely use guinea pigs to exact lust and temptation so that it becomes the next over-dinner discussion at the family table (“Hey, did you know Miara is getting reeeal close to that guy? I mean geez, she’s married and all”)

Insipid, to say the very least. And that would just be one slimy section of the whole realm of TV.

TV is the blackhole of creativity, of imagination, and of human resource. It is at the other edge of the “I am using my time wisely”-spectrum, and instead involves utter brainwave inactivity, gradual degradation of speech modes, and a general turn towards an increasingly undesirable personality disorder called “Did You Watch That Show”, also known as “I Cannot Believe You Did Not Watch It” or “Everyone Watches It”. If someone with that disorder approches me with one of those cliches, chances are that I will do everything I can not to watch it. Sue me for being wierd, but I prefer other modes of entertainment, thank you.

TV n. also referred to as Totally Valetudinarian, television, teevee, the telly, or archaic: the black box, moving pictures. A technical invention that gained popularity in the 1960s that is remarkably useless in its stupidity, idiocy, and worthlessness. May or may not contain violence, nudity, or callous references to drugs and sex. Mostly unsuitable for all ages and may produce harmful and undesirable side effects (like not understanding this defintion) should this warning not be heeded. May seek to inform viewer but will most likely end up misinforming. Very useful and effective propaganda tool, exploited by corporations and companies worldwide. May utilise cheap sound effects to induce laughter during particularly unhumourous scenes of so-called comedies. Generally not recommended for public consumption.